Pring Priing, My phone rang…

It was Deola, My friend from our University days. I helped her go through her break up phase when she ended her relationship with her boyfriend of 5 years!

Dee…Howdy, Friday going well?

I replied ‘Yes Love it is, How are you today? Hanging out this Friday?

She said

‘Dee No Joor, I will be home, having fun on my bed!

To the matter Dee, there is this guy I just started seeing. He works very close to my office and we hang out once in a while. I feel happy around him and always want to spend time with him.

Oflate, he started passing subtle messages, and I get his drift. He probably wants me to be his girlfriend!

Last week, he asked me out on a date, and I have never felt so happier, It’s been 2 years since I broke up with Tunde and I feel more alive than before!

DO you have tips for me? I think I am really ready to date or fall in love again!…’

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Okay, now I just got your attention! But please wait a minute, bring on your friends in here. This post is for all of us.

We have experiences of bad relationships which consequently led to break up!

Some differences can range from sexual incompatibility to emotional instability, to serial cases of cheating, and physical/emotional abuse.

To most of you that are still smarting from relationship loss, the reasons for your breakup are up to you. I don’t know it all.

I have noticed most times (from my personal experience and that of my friends) that after a break ‘one which ended terribly’, either or both parties are left unhappy and really depressed. At these moments the last thing on our minds is to fall in love again.

I remember when I broke up with my girlfriend back in 2013. The next thing on my mind was to start dating like almost immediately.

You know why?

I felt that it would be better to date to cope with the loneliness and ‘ting’ of depression.

For some people though, it isn’t like that. They usually say to themselves:

‘Never! I will not fall in love again”
“Guys are wicked’
‘Girls are so callous’
‘I so loathe Love’

I understand the emotions, don’t we all go through that?

For some people though, it doesn’t work that way, they may have that insecurity to get involved with another again and in this case my friend Deola comes in!

But then, apart from the insecurities, loneliness, depression associated with breaking up, we will always move on, that’s how wonderful we are created and if that is the case, I don’t think you do need someone’s advice or support to have fun and date again.

I am sure you may want to be careful with getting into your next relationship just as my friend Deola highlighted.

I decided to advise her on 5 important things to establish whether she is ready for another relationship or not.

1. The first important part is that moment when you stop crying, or angry

Normally, you feel bitter, unhappy and ultimately depressed after a bad breakup. You also feel really stifled and choked, trying hard to get a hold of yourself.

It’s never easy getting used to not having someone around.

Yes, I’ve been there too! But you would have picked up something to spend more of your time on; hanging out with friends, doing some yoga classes, picking up a hobby and laying your hands on anything that could chalk up your free time.

You put your energy into what you have chosen and then gradually, the feeling ebbs slowly to a point where you neither miss nor think about your Ex anymore. This part is very important as it allows you become more sociable and experience real friendship with people, and also enjoy your environment alone.

There is a new lease to life that you will enjoy on your own, which will aid your adjustment to life after your former relationship.

2. You become interested in other people

See what I mean:

Last week, he asked me out on a date, and I have never felt so happier, It’s been 2 years since I broke up with Tunde and I feel more alive than before!

Now that’s interest. The moment you feel it, then it makes more sense to confirm that you are beginning to let go of the whims your previous relationship had on you.

Imagine when she was in love with Tunde, liking another person was practically impossible, and it is even possible that she may not have developed any iota of feelings after the breakup infact.

Here is the icebreaker – the moment you begin to show interest in other people, then you are gradually getting into your lovable best! Cool Stuff!

3. You begin to lose touch with thoughts of your Ex

I realized after I broke up that I thought about my Ex like every other day.

It was so suffocating that I wanted to cry. But guess what! I tried number 1 and gradually number 2 set in and I began to forget about what she looked like.

Mind you, I still had her on my social media handles and all, and those times, I miss the memories of time spent but after a while, I began to have fun and enjoy life as it is.

The thoughts of her simmered off and then I enjoyed a new lease to life!

The moment you spend a full day, week, month and you never thought of him/her a single time, then you are so ready to date again!

4. You stop stalking

Remember those times that we break up and then we always try to check up on our partners on social media. What are they up to? Whether they have moved on? Who is the new person in their lives? You can’t just seem to go on social media without trying to check on them or stalk.

That moment when you start feeling indifferent and unbothered about whether he/she is online or not, then you are getting ready to date again!

5. Finally! You need to feel it

What do I mean?

Emotional availability.

It is easy to deal with all the mentions above, but then you need to check yourself as well. What is the strength of your emotional availability?

How long have you spent asking yourself when you will be ready?

It is one thing to scream I am fully ready but deep down you know you ain’t physically and psychologically ready.

Have you spent reasonable time to examine yourself and see if you are emotionally ready?

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So I finally told Deola:

Take a deep breath and have fun at the date!

If you are not ready to really start another relationship, then just keep calm and live the moment with Tunde.

Remember that not today does not mean ‘Never Again’. Give yourself a chance once more!

I hope this post ministers to someone today!

Yours In Love

DeeDee

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