If your girlfriend is a thief, you’re dating a thief not someone who “can change.” – Leke Alder speaks on Relationships

Leke Alder is the Founder & Principal of Alder Consulting, Nigeria’s leading branding firm with offices in Lagos and London.

He dropped this relationship post, Letter to Jack on his twitter page today.

I read through up to 5 times , and couldn’t help it but share:

Read his tweets below:

1. Dear Jack, what I’m trying so hard to help you avoid is the “20year Mistake.” #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

2. You see, there are relationship mistakes we make in life that take twenty years to get out of. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

3. I know it sounds incredible but it’s the truth. There are many “20yr” veterans all over life. You’re just not aware. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

4. A typical mistake that can cost you 20yrs of your life is impregnating someone you don’t love who becomes mother of your child #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

5. You can’t wish the child away. It matters little whether you marry her or not. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

6. Opportunistic sex has consequences, and once a child is produced you step into unplanned history. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

7. That woman will be in your life for the duration of the life of that child, meaning till you die, other things being equal. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

8. No young man plans for that. It was opportunistic sex, remember! Just lust finding a partner. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

9. But life insists if you go that way it means you planned for the consequences. You can’t complain. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

10. You have to adjust your life accordingly for having a child out of wedlock. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

11. And it’s not just opportunistic sex that can produce the “20yr” problem. Marrying someone you shouldn’t does the same. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

12. The warning signs are always there. Better to have a broken engagement than to have a broken marriage. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

13. If your girlfriend is a serial cheat for example, you can’t complain of unfaithfulness in marriage if you go ahead with it. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

14. The signs were there, but you chose to ignore the facts. She already showed you she wasn’t going to be faithful. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

15. What usually happens is that some people take on the mantle of messiah, seeking to “save” their girlfriends. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

16. And they seek to prove their goodness by insisting on pursuing marriage to someone who’ll bring them sorrow. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

17. These are insistent do-gooders who want the praise of the world for marrying the wrong woman. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

18. There’s some psychological reward they get for insisting on going into marriage with someone with questionable tendencies. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

19. Having been rewarded for bad behavior, the woman of course continues with those morals and they begin to suffer. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

20. Having forgiven so much, they then get annoyed at discovery of one more instance of cheating after marriage. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

21. They become mean to the woman, terribly mean. Their character changes. They’re angry. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

22. The reason they’re angry is because they feel they should be rewarded with fidelity for enduring so much. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

23. They feel the woman should reward them for overlooking the past and ignoring the facts of infidelity during courtship. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

24. That kind of marriage is essentially over. The condition precedent needed to make it successful is out of the man’s control. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

25. The marriage can only work if the woman reforms, and the man can’t control that factor. It’s up to the woman. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

26. When the success of a marriage is dependent on reformation of a partner’s character that’s a difficult one. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

27. Why marry a thief hoping for reformation of character? What if he refuses to reform? What becomes of the marriage? #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

28. The normal challenges of a young marriage are thus compounded and burdened with major character issues. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

29. How does a young man cope in a marriage with such reformational character challenge? It’s tough. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

30. Always deal with facts in your relationship, not wishful thinking. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

31. If your girlfriend is a thief, you’re dating a thief not someone who “can change.” #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

32. If you want to marry a non-thief, date a non-thief. Why go for a thief you hope will become a non-thief? #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

33. It’s like all those guys who want to marry a civil servant but then go for a businesswoman hoping to convert her. Why?! #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

34. A lot of people make this mistake. They don’t deal with the facts in front of them, don’t acknowledge the facts. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

35. If a woman dates a man without drive for instance, she has to accept the high possibility of an unmotivated husband. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

36. Going into marriage with such a person with a view to changing him is rather presumptuous! #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

37. If you can’t accept the man or woman in front of you don’t go into the marriage. Deal with facts. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

38. If you date a lazy person you have to accept the very high probability you’ll have a lazy spouse if you marry. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

39. Ditto if you date the unhygienic, someone with similar standards of hygiene as that improbably named character from Asterix. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

40. Does that mean we’re saying people can’t change? Of course not. There’s always the possibility of redemption. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

41. But when you approach marriage you must take a pragmatic view. You deal with the facts in front of you. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

42. I’m just saying that simple mistake as per marital choice can cost you 20yrs of your life. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

43. But the time you finally come out of it, you’ll be shocked twenty years have gone. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

44. And then you’re going to have years you can’t account for – years in depression, years in battle. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

45. The depression and those battles are huge distractions. They divert your energy. Marry right. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

46. If you choose to marry someone you don’t love or who doesn’t love you, you married a stranger essentially. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

47. Without love couples are emotional strangers in cohabitation. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

48. The lack of love and affection will of course produce indifference, which then produces emotional torture. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

49. That emotional indifference can easily lead to adultery and hatred. Then the home becomes hell. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

50. And couples don’t have to have a shouting match before a marriage becomes hell. There are silent hells. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

51. When your spouse quietly tolerates you, you know you’re in a silent hell. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

52. When your spouse makes no complaint but won’t touch you, you know you’re in silent hell. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

53. When you and your spouse don’t quarrel but your marriage is essentially functional, you’re in silent hell. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

54. When the state of the marriage makes even the food stale and you have to swallow it, you’re in silent hell. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

55. And when you can’t solve a marriage problem however you wish or try, you’re in silent hell. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

56. When to all appearances you’re a “wonderful couple” but can’t stand each other you’re in silent hell. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

57. A good marriage is heaven. A bad marriage is hell. It’s that simple. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

58. Why risk putting yourself in jail for twenty years. If it’s obvious it can’t work let it be. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

59. “I want it to work” is sometimes an expression of foolishness. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016

60. Don’t put yourself in silent hell. That’s not an accommodation you should go for. #Letr2Jack

— Leke Alder (@LekeAlder) May 14, 2016