Ways of resolving conflict in your relationship Detola Deedee Lifestyle, Relationship Hacks 3 You need to know that just before you give up on your relationships, there are several ways of resolving conflict in your relationship. You are beginning to get tired of the fights, arguments and every other brouhaha that comes with loving and being in a relationship. But wait? Do you think a relationship is just all about the funtimes? I laugh at you if you really think so! Ways of resolving conflict: My experience Growing up, I always wanted a stress-conflict-free relationship! **Don’t we all crave that** but I realized that having a rosy relationship is based on the parties involved, and for the fact that you were not born from the same womb makes having a fight-free relationship far-fetched! Funny thing is, even siblings do not have a stress free relationship. Everyone has different attitude and interpretations to life and loving, hence it is pretty important to deal with varying persons’ key attributes and differentiating lifestyle. Unfortunately, I grew up wanting things my way and not trying to understand the perspective of other parties! Selfish, you would say right? I suffered a lot of broken relationships, and it was difficult trying to understand the reason for the breakups not until I figured out that instead of focusing more on the personalities involved in the relationship, why not take a deeper, and more concise view of the relationship itself. I realized that the issues leading to the conflicts can be managed and even mitigated! It is very much possible, right! Problems are bound to arise, and the earlier you know that in your relationship the better resolutions in the eventuality of discord springing up. You see? When problems arise in your relationship and it becomes like an almost every day affair. If not looked into properly, it may cause more harm than good. There are a lot of side effects; physical and emotional when the tug of war happens and it is very key that you figure out ways of resolving the conflict in your relationship, so that it doesn’t drain you out! Conflicts in a relationship can be physically and emotionally draining, trust me! See the stories from my friends: My girlfriend and I had conflicts throughout our three years relationship, which ultimately led to our breakup. I was really unhappy that it ended the way it did, but what could I have done to save it? At first we had arguments which I felt was healthy for the growth of the relationship. It was really fun having differing thoughts about things and situations and I kind of enjoyed every moment of it. We will argue, laugh and cry over thoughts and our positions on certain issues without getting made or offended. Over the months and years, our point of view heated up and we became more obstinate in our resolve not to concede the arguments to either of our perspectives. The arguments escalated to an unhealthy situation that we would not talk to each other for days. We no longer valued each other’s opinions and differences and this led to a massive strain in the relationship. It finally became clear that we could not stand each other and we decide to go our separate ways! Second story: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now and I feel like it was a wrong relationship all along. We started out as ordinary friends, became close and then fell in love along the way. YES! It was blissful at first in the first 6 months of the relationship, it really felt heavenly. Now sex came in and that was our major undoing. While we have maintained a sexually active relationship, I realized he has a more voracious appetite than I do when it comes to sex. Whenever I am not in the mood for sex, I will try so hard to explain to him to see reason why I am not in the mood which takes a long time to sink into him. As time went by I realized that we had different interests and needs especially when it comes to romance and sex. This happened to the point that we started having disagreements and fights on sex related issues that I got tired. I ask, do couples have issues like this as well? And why are having difficulties around sex. It has become such a big deal that it is destroying what the relationship stands for! I am tired and thinking of quitting this conflict ridden relationship already. Third Story: After 8 months with my girlfriend, I am beginning to regret starting the relationship in the first place. We never truly agreed on anything. From fighting over trivial issues to going crazy over misunderstandings. We have always failed to get on the same page over everything, or so it seems. From my part, I think there is this gush of unrestrained emotions from me whenever I burst into an dispute with my girlfriend. I think I was not expressing myself well, but she isn’t helping either. This has led to frustration on my part and it has made me very loud and obstinate when it comes to passing a message. It’s that bad! Fourth Story: My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years now, and of recent we have been fighting, and the most annoying part is that we argue over small and irrelevancies. The interesting part is that after all our arguments and fights, they stay temporary and we get back together. My major issues however is that the argument is energy sapping and gives me a lot of mental discomfort. Is there a way we can prevent the conflict from happening at all? First thing we all need to realize is that if we do not have fights or conflicts in our relationships then we should definitely check ourselves! I will tell you why! A better way of getting better at loving the one person that drives us crazy is by having disagreements and arguments in your relationships. Do you notice that when you have issues with your siblings and it degenerates into fights, you usually get to know and understand each other better? That is it! Healthy arguments and disagreements help the relationship grow! You see, I mentioned healthy. The very best relationships that you know or have heard of develop from a lot of conflict and thereafter conflict resolutions. The parties get into a lot of disagreement; however, it is their resolve to get pass through the disagreements that helps them get better! You do not need to think through the process of what led to the argument, but what you should try to look at is the resolve to get through the issues and get better! An healthy argument is one that is effected to make either or both parties in a relationship get better! That moment it is beginning to develop in near fisticuffs and terrible shouting then that kind of conflict is not healthy for your relationship and it could lead to abuse; Physical or Emotional. Would you allow it get to that point? See guys, we all have expectations in our relationships, don’t we? What we need, what we want from our partners, from ourselves. These expectations may be as a result of a lot of things ranging from past relationships, growing up, family, friends and even societal influences and as soon as we realize we are not getting close to meeting these expectations, then ‘wahala’ has started! You get me yet? The fact is two people can never think the same! Even twins don not think the same way! I once had this counseling session with a friend, who always see conflict as an opportunity to bail out of her relationship! She told me, anytime she has an argument with her boyfriend, and it is getting heated up, she picks her bag and leaves and they don’t talk for weeks and months! I bet it with you that she has not come around to understanding ways of resolving conflict in her relationship. Is this healthy for the relationship? I want you to tell me! You would agree that both parties in the relationship have a very huge ‘EGO’ one does not want to succumb to the opinions of the other! Hmmmn!!! I need this to be very clear to you! Whenever you have conflicts in your relationship, do not see this an opportunity to take flight! See it as an opportunity for relationship development and growth! This is the first step in understanding what conflict means and does to you and your partner. The earlier you both realize that, the better for your relationship! I will share the following tips with you to understand what how you need to communicate when conflict arise in relationships. It is very key that you try as much as possible to see through this and understand. It will help you calm down as you resolve to make you relationship better and emphasize on the ways of resolving conflict whenever it arises. . Think about your Emotions Are you angry? Do you just want to blab and blab? You want to raise your voice over the other party! You want him to listen without talking! Hey! Just listen, listen…..if the other party doesn’t want to talk, just hold on! Ask him or her if she is done! Then you can talk. Does this make sense to you? When you do this in the heat of the moment, it becomes easy for one party to calm down! . Breathe in and Out You want to listen! To stop talking but you are too angry too! Just stop and breathe in then breathe out. Doing this will enable you take a firm grasp of your emotions and then when you want talk, you spit out so much sense, devoid of sarcasm or anything that could further escalate the argument. Just avoid been the dramatist Why yell when you can talk, why call out names, why give ultimatums, why attack the other party personally? Why! Why!! Why!!! If it gets to this, just take a deep breath, allow time to pass and then try talking. You will fare better with this! . Focus You need to focus on the other party. What is he or she saying? What information is he passing? Is your mind clear enough to listen and hear it? Emotions can be temporary and sweeping as can be determined by the moment, so you need to allow the other party’s emotional state to sink in and then try to acknowledge whatever it is, the message that is being passed! You get? This will allow you recognize the fleeting emotional situation of the other party. Instead of yelling or arguing back, you can just allow the time pass and even see how you can help the person through the emotional situation at that time! It works! Now to a better Understanding of ways of resolving conflict in a relationship! . Your Expectations must be low You all have different backgrounds coming into the relationship. You will need to first understand that and then ask what the other party’s expectations are in a situation where you get into a discord. Okay? Do not ever assume that you are getting into the relationship with the same expectations. This will help you lower whatever expectations you have and then allow you to sync properly into your partner’s world. The earlier you are able to walk around your expectations and lower it at that time, the faster the conflict resolution process. . Understand Yourself What do you want exactly? Why are you even in the relationship….?? You need to discover yourself first by separating your wants and needs before even deciding to mouth all those words to your partner. There might be conflicts of interest for all you care. After you have lowered your expectations as stated earlier, then you would need to ascertain how it plays into your understanding of relationships and how to keep friendship for as long as you want it. The ability to play with these two allows you to see and understand your partner better, which could be a way of fast resolution of conflicts. . Patience is King I can bet it with you that in that situation of anger, being livid and in a state of discord, patience can be very far-fetched. However when you stop to take very deep breath and taking a little break to look at the issues that led to the arguments, then the art of patience has been brought to fore. Seriously, learning to be patient can be the best way of bringing part you and your partner to sanity when all hell has been let loose. . Don’t sweat it Don’t make a big deal out of issues, okay? Do not make it seem like it’s a battle and that it has to be the survival of the fittest. Not every disagreement must lead to arguments, fights, anger and resentment. You don’t need to blow it open more than what has been in existence entirely. It doesn’t really mean you have allowed your partner to win! (Who says it is even a competition for a winner, huh?) Just take your time to determine the damage that could have been averted if you decide to be calm and not make matters worse than the way it was. . Be Open It could actually be your fault even though not necessarily. You need to be quick to realize that the fault could have been yours instead of your partner. This does not mean that the fault ‘is’ yours. Okay? Just for peace to reign at that point, you may be the reason the disagreement at that time. . Learn to apologize This can be difficult but it is possible. Apology can reduce friction and heal wounds, trust me. You don’t need to wait for your partner before you apologize on whatever the case is. If you love your relationship and your partner as much as you claim to do. Then, learn to be the first to apologize in whatever situation you find your argument going. This will help sort out the issue on a lighter mode and everyone will be happy thereafter! . Give your partner a chance You just describe the problem in the most subtle way possible and allow your partner to respond as well. In as much as you are trying to argue things out with so much vigour and maybe with a little bit of bitterness to it. Allowing each other the opportunity to talk may give space to some decorum on both sides. Don’t allow him or her to guess it, lay it out flat out and give a chance for deliberations and dialogue! . Let it be a win-win for you both After all the arguments, rife and strife, try to deduce how you guys can solve the issue between you. Try to make your partner realize what/ to do and how you can go about resolving the issue and seek for his own way of resolution as well. Thereafter you can craft out a strategy devoid of all the noise, blame game and yelling to see you both arriving at a solution to the bone of contention. . Give your partner a benefit of the doubt Whenever you feel disappointed, hurt, and angry. Learn to take a chance at pausing with whatever you want to say before jumping into conclusions. Your partner may have been affected with other external feelings that may want override what the relationship stands for. A lot of partners always do not know how to deal with external stress which may have been as a result of work, external environment, family and even friends and this may becloud their sense of reasoning and make them pent up and aggressive at that time – and they may not even notice the consequence of their actions and arguments. You need to learn to see through all the arguments and try to decipher what exactly is wrong and note if there are external influences. You can do this by going through his/ her schedule for the week and take note of any stress induced attitude and seek for how to wipe out this in order to reduce the effect on your relationship. This will help you filter through the ways of resolving conflict in your relationship . Reach out to people in successful marriage Every successful marriage starts from relationships. One of the essential ways for resolving conflict is to look around for couples like that in your neighbourhood, church or even work place and try to discuss with them. Couples that have a 30 year old marriage between them are the perfect example of where to start from. The advice from these couples will help you gain a foothold on your relationship and allow for a broader perspective on how to move forward from whatever issues you are having at present. Couples with experience spanning many years will also counsel you on what you should do to and ways of resolving conflicts to reduce all sense of friction and caution to play with when dealing with relationship issues. This will go a long way in resolving conflicts in your relationships and who knows what might happen afterwards. Conflicts will reduce right? Finally here are sure fire and more robust ways to avoid conflicts in the first place: Don’t throw vocal missiles of anger, disparagement and conclusion. Do away with that and your relationship will get better. Learn to see things from the point of view of your partner Just count 1 to 20 before you spit provocative words. It will help you align your thoughts properly before jumping into unnecessary conclusions. Tell yourself you can solve the problem on your own Always ensure that nobody is hungry before starting the fights! I know this may seem funny to you but it actually is true! An hungry man is an angry man! I have been there! Slow down the conversation and take a few minutes to relive the convo, and sieve through what could have been averted during the course of the conversation. These are sure fire ways of resolving conflicts and even avoiding them in your relationship. The earlier you read this, and walk on these steps the better for you! Find this post on ways of resolving conflict interesting and achievable? Do not read alone, drop your comments and also share with your friends as well. 3 Responses Love Messages after a Fight - DeeDee's Blog April 11, 2017 […] the information that regardless of what has happened, you still value your relationship and want to resolve the conflict so […] Reply How to know when to end a relationship - DeeDee's Blog April 12, 2017 […] am not here to tell you to bail out when conflicts arise? Infact it has shown that the more conflicts there are in relationships, the healthier it is. 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