Fiction or Non Fiction: My Weird 2018 Christmas Story

After I arrived home from my Oshodi to Akure Journey at 11pm that night of the 24th of December, I settled down to devour pounded yam, ignoring my recurring nature of having to deal with stomach upset whenever I eat late. The Efo riro was too appetizing to ignore and I gobbled down the meal on a bottle of Pepsi.

Against all warning and admonition from my Mum that I relax before heading to bed, I ignored her and headed to bed all the same.

I found myself waking up to a crazy dream of me being pregnant and delivering a baby in the hospital.

What the heck!? I asked myself.

Still wondering why I could have that unrealistic dream, I felt a painful nudge in my tummy, stomach rumbled, tummy was hard and bit me from all sides. I drank and drank water to no avail!

Or I was truly pregnant? In the middle of the pain, I laughed it off. Definitely this was indigestion.

I decided to head over the to hospital down my area for treatment because I really began to feel uncomfortable and I needed to get the undigested pounded yam and efo out of my tummy as soon as I could.

No sooner had I entered into the hospital than I stumbled into Fola, and a one year old baby she was carrying.

Folake was a young undergraduate I met March 2015 in Idanre and we had a fling for some months before distance separated us.

Apparently the baby was a little bit under the weather! Fola told me she had been sick for sometimes and decided to rush her to the hospital because her sickness had to do with blood.

I did not get that part well, because I was in a state of discomfort and listening to Fola’s rants were the last thing on my mind.

She then said she had wanted to reach out to me for a long time because there was something important to talk to me about. It was about her and the sex we had almost two years ago!

Gbam! My eyes pooked, my tummy rumbled, my heart palpitated! I just hope it was not what I was thinking. I stared at her, stared at the baby yet again and I was shocked to notice that….the baby just looked exactly like ME.

I shifted uncontrollably and in the blink of an eye, thoughts started filtering through my mind. ‘Is the baby mine’? What does Fola want to say? What is happening? What happened that night coursed through me mind.

Eh Lord, we freaking had unprotected s*x, but I was not sure whether I poured my juice into her pot! I was not sure at all….Jeez! What if the baby was mine? Was that why they were here?

I thought of how I would tell my mum how I went to the hospital and met Fola and her baby, and how the baby looked just like me and how the baby was mine!

Fola broke into my thoughts…..as she continued:

‘You see Detola, after that night of the sex and we lost touch I felt so unusual and not myself after you left. It was later I realized that…I….was….’

I did not even listen to her anymore, and it was not until a husky male voice jolted me out of my misery and said:

‘Darling, the doctor is prepped and all set for Tola, he has taken my blood and we are ready for the transfusion. Let’s take her in!’

..that I came back to my senses and beat myself on why I even thought the baby was mine! Immediately I felt the deep rumble of a slimmy wet poo down my boxers before I realized that what made me come to the hospital now rushed out in heavy torrents.

I could not even say Hi to Folake’s boyfriend, husband or whoever he was before I made a dash to the hospital convenience to count my luck and download the poo at same time.

Christmas started and ended on a crazy and weird note for me. How did your Christmas go?