Francis called me last week, and the following conversation ensued between us.
‘Hey Deedee, whats good Man?’
‘I’m okay bro, how’s that side?’
‘Very well Buddy, How is Seichiz? Doing great?’
‘Yes she is and how is MollyBloom,’
I call his girlfriend MollyBloom because she reminds me of the Hibiscus flower, she is very beautiful.
Francis continued ‘Please Dee there’s something on my mind for some time, as you know my relationship with Molly is going to two years, she has been good to me and I am thinking of making it very serious with the intention of settling down with her. However, I am deeply concerned. There are certain things I intend to know, please what sort of questions should i ask or certain things to look out for to enable me know how committed she is to this cause. This will inform of my decision to take this to the next level.’
Francis believed in my ability to provide the guidance needed when it comes to relationship issues. Although he is 3 years older, he always comes to me for insights and I try my best to give my best answers.
I have always asked myself this questions many times, in order to attempt to evaluate what exactly I want to relationship and marriage to be like. Francis’ questions therefore gave me that opportunity to re-evaluate my opinion and pass it on to him and to other blog readers as well.
After some research, deep thinking and subtle soul searching, I came up with the following questions for Francis, and I do hope it helps you too.
1. Am I attracted to her?
I know what you guys are thinking, you like how your partner looks, and so that does it. You are attracted. What you fail to understand is that attraction transcends beyond just looks and appearance. It looks into the personality of your partner, her values, ideals, and heart are things you should look at. Are you attracted to these, and not just the appearance alone, if yes. Then you are on the right path.
2. Do I want to be like this person?
At some point in relationships, you will realize that you guys are beginning to bear same semblance both in appearance and in traits. You should begin to notice that when your relationship is about to get serious.
Now ask yourself these questions, does this feeling excite you? The opportunity of you guys thinking the same way. Yes, in marriage you still are your own person. And you need to have your own identity beyond your spouse. But if you don’t want to become like the person you’re dating, should you be dating?
3. Do our core values and beliefs rhyme?
We all have values that guide us into reaching some sort of conclusion and decisions. These values are critical to how we are wired, guiding our thoughts, actions, and purpose in this life.
The issue we have is the fact that we have not really articulated these values. If I do not know my value, how will my partner even know me?
We need to identify these values and establish that of our partner. Do the values of your partner repel or support your values? These questions will help guide your decision in determining your readiness for companionship.
4. Does this person challenge me?
Is your partner trying to force him/herself on you? Or are they challenging you to be more you and not a figment of their imagination.
Note that your partner should not be all out to totally change you, but should challenge you to grow. If your partner is doing this, then you may need to start getting serious with him/her.
5. Does he/she listen?
Plenty times we have had partners who run and jump into conclusions without providing listening ears to your arguments and thought process.
It is important to check your partner and observe delicately if she listens to whatever you have to say before providing responses to your comments and questions. Even if the response does not in its entirety correlate with what you expected, you should be proud and be very observant to notice that you have got someone out there who listens attentively to your comments, arguments and discussion.
6. Is your partner too needy or possess certain degree of strength
You need to know this in order to confirm the unselfishness of such romance. Does your partner seek to understand your reception towards love and meet it along the way and you do same.
If you or the person you’re dating loves out of their insecurities, their love will be needy and selfish. But when someone loves from their strengths, they know who they are and are drawing from a deep, full well to give to you without demanding a drink in return.
7. Have you tackled your monsters?
We all have insecurities, fears, failures, painful memories, and just all around unpleasant things we’re hiding.
Just because you want to pretend your monsters don’t exist doesn’t mean they’re just going to magically go away, and marriage has the amazing ability to take all that you hoped would remain hidden and put it on stage for a nationally televised interview that your in-laws will be watching.
You need to ascertain if your partner has tackled his/her monster and whether he/she is still trying to deal with it. This will also inform of your decision to make this a serious relationship.
8. Do we enjoy doing the everyday stuffs together?
Marriage is a lot of things; laundry, doing the dishes, attending weddings, funerals, giving births and everything in-between. Can you envision enjoying everyday life with the person you’re dating?
Just as Paul Angone 101 secrets for your twenties wrote in his book, “If you don’t enjoy going to the grocery store with this person to buy eggs or changing the clothes at the laundry, then you might not enjoy doing marriage. Because marriage is built on a million more mundane moments than magical.”… True, isn’t it?
9. Understand your partner’s vision for the future
What are you looking at 10 years from now? Do you want to travel around the world like deedee? LOL. You want to have just three kids, or you intend to be an entrepreneur or an accountant in one of the top oil companies in the world.
You both need to discuss your vision for the future, and allow it sync into whatever plans you have. If your visions for the future look very different, it’s better to discuss it now than to be surprised by it later.
I guess I’m done with my part, do not forget to share with others if this article makes a lot of sense to you. You can also drop comments and share your thoughts in the comment section below.