“Sssh. Bring your phone.”
“Oh God, are you robbing me?”
“Shut up idiot, if you wake others I will shoot you!”
Tobi’s hands shook badly. He passed his phone over to the masked man. The thief took it, examined it. His other hand pointed a gun at Tobi’s head.
“It’s infinix.”
“Shut up! Your money!”
“Bh..bh…but I don’t have any money.”
The thief looked in the corner. A big bag nestled in the angle against the wall.
“Bring the bag!”
Tobi got up on watery legs. His stomach turned. He carried the bag over.
“Bring the money inside!”
Tobi looked from the masked face to the bag and back again.
“H..how do you know there’s money in the bag?”
“Are you mad? I will shoot you!”
“Bh…but if you shoot me people will hear.”
The thief hit Tobi on the head with the pistol’s butt.
Tobi fell in a heap and started whining. The thief rummaged through the bag and drew a short gasp.
“What!”
Tobi sat up, “what is it?”
“Where did you get all this money from!?”
Tobi sniffed. He blew snort on the carpet. He hacked his throat and spat a large yellow one again. The thief winced. Tobi sniffed.
The thief looked around and saw another bag, this one bulkier. It was behind the door. He quickly went to it.
The thief was sweating now, licking his dry lips. He opened the bag and almost fell on his bottom.
He looked from the bag to Tobi.
“My God!”
The thief removed his mask.
Tobi uttered a small sound, he stuttered.
“Are you supposed to do that?” He said.
“Do what?”
“I can see your face…”
“Where did you get all this money from?”
Tobi smiled shyly, he shook his head in that silly way they do in Indian films.
“Technically, I’m not supposed to tell you since you are a thief.”
The thief put his gun on the bed and started counting the money.
“What are you doing?” Tobi asked.
“Shut up!”
“Why are you always telling me to shut up?”
The thief gave him a dry look and went back to counting. Tobi eyed the gun on the bed.
He had never seen a lot of money before. He has never stolen this lot of money before. Finally, he was going to have his break, thank God. He was counting; 2 million, 3 million, oh God of Isreal! He felt a deep happiness that made him giddy.
“You are not that smart after all.”
The thief turned around and his eyes met the ominous black hole of his own pistol.
He dropped the wads slowly.
“In fact, you are more stupid than my mother’s goat in the village. His name is babu. He was so foolish we had to eat him. No one wanted to buy a stupid goat.”
Tobi stood with his legs apart, the gun at his waist, his mouth a disdainful twist.
“What’s your name?”
“Seun.”
“What do you do for a living? Petty thieving?”
The thief nodded slowly.
“You even shake your head like babu, pfftt.”
The thief didn’t say anything. He looked at the door and back at Tobi. His fear gave in to wonder.
“You are wondering if I can shoot you, whatever happened to the guy who was shaking with fear a few minutes ago, right?”
The thief raised an eyebrow.
“Well, you, are a petty thief, one with a forbidden IQ. Too low to be classified. Why count the money here if you are going to steal it? I, well, in fact, get down on your knees.”
The thief dropped to his knees.
“Good. Show some respect. To your superior. Ahem, where was I?”
“You were going to tell me what..!”
“Shut up!”
“Sorry.”
“Ahaaa, how does it feel now, eh? I have the power now and you are beneath me, Mr babu stupid goat!”
Tobi’s voice rose. He advanced on the kneeling thief.
“Breaking into my house with your stupid gun feeling all high and mighty like a stupid mob man. I’ll show you how we run this shit! Uhun, I’ll show you how to put fear in a man. How to make him cry like a baby hungry for his mama’s tits! I’ll show how to make him whine like an old tired car engine and shit his pants a total of five times while at it!”
Tobi finished his rhetoric panting.
The thief was sweating, his eyes were two white ostrich eggs.
“I…I think your neighbours can hear y…you.”
“Shut up!” Tobi screamed in his face.
“Yes sir.”
Tobi scratched his head. He flung the pistol on the floor and sat heavily on the bed. He put his face in his palms and rubbed his eyes.
The thief, still on his knees watched him warily.
“I m sorry for my outburst. You know, I m usually a cool guy, but, you know, it gets really depressing after awhile. All the killing and everything in between.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I shoot people for a living.”
The thief pissed his pants. Tobi gave him a bored look.
“Oh, that’s a good start, old sport.”
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