Hello Deedee,
I am a 25 year old Nigerian lady who has dated more than 4 guys. I started dating since I was 18 and my relationships had always ended in a sour note.
Recently, I just started dating some guy after I broke up with a guy who left me for another lady abroad.
Here is the issue, I am dealing with confusion and stress here. Because I have not really gotten over the last relationship. It was draining and I practically supported the guy every step of the way.
As it is now , the new guy does not seem to be up to my standard and I will have to ‘tush’ him up again. Mind you, I am beginning to feel something for him, but I am scared that the last experience should not repeat itself.
3 Comments
Abimbola Abikoye
October 12, 2019 at 10:17 amBeing hurt is a fundamental part of life, you cannot avoid it or totally eliminate it because you are a human being and you can feel ‘stuffs’.
If this new guy is worth it (I.e you love him) give it a try but not without going through a self-evaluation process. This is very important and It can only be done if you;
1. Look into your past relationship(s) to discover if there are things you’ve done or they’ve done to hurt you so you can try to unlearn them and further correct those things in your new relationship because having to carry on the garbage from your past into your present would give you nothing more than extreme pain and hurt. Trust me, you do not want to go down that lane!
2. Never forget, we are humans and our limitations will cause us to act greedy sometimes and take advantage of people but now you have to know when a person is taking advantage of you. Simply do away with such people. The signs are there, never overlook them!
It’s not your fault that you’ve loved someone who took your goodwill for granted. Never stop being you for a person you love just because of your past.
Minimize whatever it is you do and work the process with the person you love and be sure he loves you back. As a woman, you’ll always know so be observant.
Try to abstain too. A lot of people see it as being vintage but trust me, it’s your body and you are not perfect. So choose what you do wisely!
Above all, expect less, love more and I wish you luck, my dear!
Anie
October 12, 2019 at 10:40 amI have a lot to write to you but here’s the summary; FREE YOUR MIND OF EXPECTATIONS AND JUST LOVE.
Now, firstly, let’s address your fears and how they make you feel:
I understand your wants and fears but the truth is, because we are humans, we can’t exactly tell how a person will decide to treat us in the near future. Yet, by reducing our expectations from other humans, we can control how we feel and react when people so their thing in the future.
So, right now, you need to factor out this; “how will you feel if this guy leaves tomorrow? Why will you feel that way? Because you invested in him or because you love him?”
It’s not bad to help someone in the growth process especially someone we love. So, if you love your new guy and want to help his growth, do not hesitate. However, do not do so because you expect him to spend the rest of his life with you. Sad but true! Ask yourself the questions stated in the second paragraph above and decide if you want to stay and make your heart feel the way it would if you help this guy and he leaves tomorrow.
Untangle your help from how you feel for him. See him as a casual or close friend who could leave and lose contact anytime. Would you still go on to do everything for him?
Asking and clarifying all these with yourself will help you to feel better after breakups should in case they happen.
Then about your dating spree, men will come and go but one day someone will stay. And you are not in absolute control of the factors that will make them stay. It might be someone you were kind to and it might be someone you showed least concern.
Free your heart from the baggage of breakups, identify the reasons why you want a relationship aside from marriage, can you get this other things without putting yourself through so much stress? Can you let go of these things and just live? Can you see a new guy, smile and overlook your wish of spending eternity with him?
Lol! I know you want a guy who would stay but it’s not your power to make that happen so, love freely with less expectations. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartaches and when the right person comes to stay, you’ll be just fine.
Christiana Ogeleka
October 14, 2019 at 4:49 pmMy two kobos:
1. Allow yourself heal before going into another relationship. It’s very important.
2. Don’t settle for just anything or anyone out of desperation. It’s not a crime for him not to be up to your standard, the only problem is if he’s contented in that state. Does he have aspirations? Is he working towards growth and development? Does he desire a much better life