I was asked by one of my favourite readers; why does the heart choose lovers that make us suffer?

It took me a while to answer. I had to consider it from different angles and interpret the question in ways that it answers for both sexes, the good and the bad. Of course, it first struck my mind as, why do good girls desire bad guys? As well as, why are most good guys always used as an emotional dumping ground? There are others, these two just stand out.

I answered, “Our heart chooses lovers that make us suffer because it pays more attention to desires than need. Everyone desires a good life but only few pay attention to what is needed to have that life. Most times it’s because our heart appeals to false/deceptive emotions. We feel what we love to feel and not what we ought to feel. We find someone that fits our desire, but remain uncertain of his/her authenticity. We are blinded to their flaws. We accept them like that, hence we suffer in silence and call it true love. It’s a fool’s love. The heart is so gullible.”

I always like to use myself as an example. Been single for a while and at every junction, every girl I have had strong feelings for has made my heart suffer. The latter always greater than the former. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t genuinely in love with each of them, rather, I get lost in the perfect idea that all I desire in a girl is embedded in them that I lose sight of whether or not they are good for me. We can’t love everyone we desire, it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Not everyone we love or desire is good for us. There are some good love we don’t need. There are few complicated relationships that ends up as the finest. The defining line is being patient enough to see who is truly good for us. Not everyone who fell in love once ended up on the altar, most people fell in and out continuously till they found their true love.

Love is so good, it shouldn’t make YOU suffer. The right thing to do is guard your heart diligently. Be with who compliments you, let the heart appeal to needs, not (excessive) emotions. Everything takes time, great things take longer.

I know someone is waiting to argue about physical needs in a relationship. The need being considered is the person you need to be in a relationship with. If it’s about the other needs, he or she can provide all you need and deny you of their true love (selves).


Oluwasegun Femi Fragile carries within him a world of limitless emotion which he always seeks to express with his heart as ink in his pen. Also known as The Cooking Pen; a writer cum cook. He is popular for his heart melting and life-schooling style of writing which he refers to as ‘personal’. He often states that everything about life is his source of inspiration.

This author of two eBooks: The Spark in My Quiet World and Letters to God which was nominated as best fiction for the Nigerian Writers Award is also a consultant on love affairs. He is driven by his purpose to help others in their pursuit of happiness. He blogs at, a platform he uses to cure the emotional curiosity of his readers.


About The Author

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The brain behind Deedeesblog, Detola is an embodiment of creativity - With deep knowledge in Counseling and Photography, He started this platform to share happiness via digital contents in Relationships and Documentaries. Content here tells a story with the intention to shape narratives. What's your Love and Life story? Care to Share? Connect with Detola on

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