Dear Young Man,
You said you love her so much but you’re confused about what to do to make her happy; that she’s very good to you and you want to do life with her but you just don’t understand some things… I may not be able to give you complete answers but let me try…
“Girls of nowadays” are strong women who are certain of what they want. It’s either life had toughened her by bad experiences or she was raised by a mother who was toughened by such experiences. So, you need to know that marriage to them requires some self development and growth on your part.
Most importantly, you need to realise that she is not the women you’ve known all your life. She’s not your Mum or your Sister. She’s different. Needs are different. You must learn her needs, her own love language. It is work, I know. A happy marriage requires some work. It is really interesting but you must work at it, and it’s not something you cannot do. Shebi you’re a man?
Don’t ignore your own needs too. Be clear on them. Don’t hide behind ego. Let her know what makes you happy too. Showing your vulnerabilities does not reduce you. Being humane does not take away your headship. Personally I see “ego” as an excuse to be inhuman. Everyone has ego. You must be able to tame it, control it, that’s what’s called maturity, growth. And, believe me, love can make both of you go the extra mile to meet each other’s needs.
You also asked whether money is the most important.
Money is important o, abeg! But your effort would be more valuable to her than material things, as much as material things are important. Have you not heard of rich men’s wives having affair with their drivers or mechanics? As much as money is important, you must let her know you adore her and always reassure her of your love and commitment.
Ok, for now, you’re still “struggling” and cannot give her things money can buy and really spoil her, because you’re still growing and you know the future is bright, I understand. And I know she understands too! That kind of girl didn’t even get into that relationship with you because of money or for you to “take care” of her (YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF HER O!)
You see, this kind of girl will so take care of you. She can give you anything. She’ll cover you. She’s not afraid to go the extra mile for you.
But, you know something?
As she gives to you, be sure to give back, even when you don’t have much. It is how you give it that matters. As she breaks for you, make sure you bend for her. Be available in difficult times. Stay firm. Don’t be aloof when real life happens and be the friend only when there’s gist. Things happen in life beyond our control sometimes. Stay together. Be there. If you only take from her and you don’t reciprocate when she needs you, she’ll resent you, she’ll despise you. Be an escape and not a duty. Be a partner and not a project.
What’s your vision? What do you stand for? Know that women are generally attracted to influence and power. When this kind of girl knows you are truly working towards a noble venture, she would stay even when you fail.
Be sincere. She’s been hurt many times. Don’t remind her of those episodes. As beautiful as she looks, there is some internalized, insulated anger. Help her to see that she could trust and hope again. Don’t tell her lies. When there’s a fight, face the issue but fight like a father. Be a “baby boy” but grow the man! If the man is not grown, the “baby” would be despised soon.
You want her to massage your ego as they say? You fan her own emotion! As fragile as your own ego is, so her own emotions.
Marriage is good when both parties are willing to unlearn some negative things we’d learnt through the court of public opinion. Believe me.
Go for her! You can have her. She’s not even as difficult as you fear. Have some inner stamina. Ascertain your own needs. Work hard. Don’t give up. Things will improve. The future is colorful. Befriend godly values. Learn. Unlearn. Relearn. Balance. Learning and growing is progressive.
That girl is not hard as you think. Why are you afraid and hiding behind ego? Ego that can’t translate into money? Get down and work out your own happiness!
Don’t force things but never let fear rob you of the diamond beneath the dust. Pure diamond!
I hope this helps. No one knows it all. Shebi you’re a man!
Have you read - Sola Allyson pens emotional letter to all young ladies?
About Shola Allyson Obaniyi
Shola Allyson-Obaniyi, also known as Shola Allyson, is a Nigerian soul and folk singer, and song-writer. she became very popular with the amazing album Eji-Owuro which came out in 2003, and was the soundtrack for another amazing movie Eji-Owuro at that time. Shola also released other albums such as Im’oore and Gbeje Fori. She is a powerful singer, motivator speaker and counselor.
You can follow Shola on Instagram here.