I was a disobedient child. I embraced my sexual urges at a very tender age. Even when my parents and Sunday school teachers warned me that the wages of sin is death. My inquisitiveness and validation from peers lured me to find out the sweet comb in the honey as we were all led to believe it is.
I got bitten smitten with the sweetened surges of the emotional bond I had created with the wrong partner. I had gone so deep and then reality checked me and redirected my view to the essence of my mom’s warnings and my ten commandment rhyme “thou shall not commit fornication/adultery “.
I felt I was being used and less of me since I could no longer quit the lover which introduced me to these surges. He later dumped me and that awoke a sleeping giant who was meant for the right and perfect one.
I had no other choice to seek validation in the most hopeless places. I thought I’ve found a new love and I opened myself to several portals of soul ties smashing and jamming up an already messed up emotion, creating a pattern of a broken hearted girl who wanted love at all cost but had lost herself and marred her worth with the poor choice of disobedience.
Disobedience had pushed me out of the way of my priestly inheritance. Over time I struggled with the pleasures of my flesh and how to live in accordance to the will of God as they say during the church sermon.
It was hard moving on just like that.
The craving of attention and love from the warmth of a manly strong hand with a nice cuddle through the night turns into a night with the few who could offer what she taught was love and satisfaction became temporary.
Desperation to be owned and be an item with a bae grew. The lack of self confidence, resulted into a low self esteem, and incessant midnight cries when I was alone.. It was a time of being lost to urges and anything that felt comforting and soothing to her flesh and timely desires
Sometimes she gets moments of redemption by lifting holly hands in Sunday’s service after a tears full of worship sessions and outpour of pain and heart desires to God.
The feeling of peace stills the pains and yet again for a while she finds strength within her for the time being till she falls prey of her desires to feel wanted.
Reawakening to self awareness,self realization of not wanting to be a mediocre with an anger from within helped her to come into the understanding of the saying
“For there is no condemnation in Christ”
I prayed and worked my way out of hurt pain and self pity. I got redemption.
The pressure to keep up with the worlds validation for a bae is on the verge of loosing every male admires who comes my way.
Are you a virgin? They ask!
So times passed trying to hold on still. Getting use to the Godly System not so easy as it seemed. There were moments of falling back into these surges but then a reminder of the grace and instant repentance and keeping to his words helped to build strength to withstand other tempting situations. The quest for a love life among the fight to stay redemptive and chaste brings me close several church brothers who are like “But what’s the big deal!! If we are in a serious relationship why can’t I feel you” It’s my expression of love to you” some other guys are desperate to know “If you are fertile” In their words.
The heart break these experience brought me to find if social media could be any better but the story was still the same. Unfortunately most of these guys just want to hit and have nothing serious.
After chatting with like 3 to four dudes and the action point of their conversation have not been productive but on things like:
What is the craziest thing you have done before in bed?
You hear things like we could get intimate and see how it goes, or do you know you have a big breast!?? Like I’m dunno I have been living my past 24yrs with big boobs!?
What size of bra do you wear!?
Do you know I love your boobs!!???
Jeez save me!!? I give up on all this thirsty vipers on the media who have nothing to offer than to how to hit and run. Statements like:
“I want to teach my woman how to be good in bed” will never elude them.
The more I meet cute nice looking men who I think wants me. The no s*x rule creates an enmity between us within no time and all the guys I think love me begin to distant from me one after the other like a plagued apple tree who has beauty but no use.
How do I survive in my world of no s*x rule while staying chaste with true intentions to God to wait in a place of service and get that which was designed for me. Celebrating me and finding who will see the beauty and celebrate my chastity with the rules I have carved out to help me achieve God’s commandments.
So how do I survive this world where the right things to do are now tagged taboos and curses and the wrong things are the achievements on the century.
I am really in need of someone to love and adore. I need someone to call me up at night and early in the mornings. I need to be loved. I need to go on dates with him and surprise him with gifts.
I’m a really good lover. I don’t know why I am this bored of myself. Is it so hard to find someone who can love you without taking a peep into your pants? I know I’ve missed it once and that is that.
But I need to do things right this time. How do I love God and obey him with another love on the side. Isn’t it too expensive. Can I afford a romantic relationship and love God at the same time!?
How do I balance the urge of neediness with not being too vulnerable?
I act on emotions and most times in a way I dish it on my status to see giving people the vulnerable impression of being desperate and available to settle.
I shouldn’t be too 100% sincere about ma feelings to any guy I meet.. They say telling the guys I came from a bad break up would lessen my value and I was told to pretend like I’m not too interested in the guy so he can chase the natural way.
Really, I’m a straight forward person. How do I pretend not to want to talk to him when he is all I think of most of the time. They say I’m being too pushy and I let my emotions drive me.
Hmmmn…
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