Anne Akinnagbe is an entrepreneur and owner of Anne Adriano Creations, an interior design company that operates from Lagos. She studied English Language at Obafemi Awolowo University and also Public Relations and Advertising at the Nigerian Institute of Journalism. Anne lives in Lagos with family and is passionate about creative writing. When she is not arguing on facebook over trending matters, she is either climbing a ladder on site or sleeping. Anne loves love and seeks every avenue to express it. In the wake of the increasing suicide cases in Nigeria, Anne decided to share a bit of her Suicide story in this emotional post. Read on:
I have abandoned God several times, but he has never abandoned me. At worst, what he did was just to keep looking at me, waiting for that time I would come crawling back. I knew those times, deep inside me I always knew. But you see, there’s this thing with me, it’s either I do things right or I don’t do them at all. So when there is a little off course wandering I have done, I start acting like a prodigal child. I don’t even try getting close at all. I stay so far away, meaning, no prayers, nothing. Sometimes my spirit would so much want to pray, but you see guilt, the guilt of sin has a way of judging me when I pray, so I totally forgo prayer.
I was born and raised Catholic, so the act of confession isn’t new to me. One time I had to speak to a Priest about it and he told me he himself who is a Priest goes for confession, those Bishops and Archbishops, those Monsignors, they all go for confessions, so what was I talking about? That’s for doctrine anyway.
I have gone a whole three months just living my life and looking away even when I knew my life needed prayers, guilt again. But there is this inbuilt confidence I have, I have always had it. I can confidently beat my chest and tell people that when I pray, God answers. Maybe it’s the faith, maybe it’s the strong belief, but you see that confidence, it has never failed me. Whenever I find my way back, and acknowledge the fact that without God I am nothing, that without him I cannot function, whenever I cry at his feet, declaring that I have nowhere else to God, whenever I am done seeking help from men and I run back to my source, he answers.
I can pass for the vilest offender, the most unworthy. I know it myself without anyone telling me, but that grace, that God’s grace has never failed me. See, I have been shocked in so many ways that even I cannot explain. Sometimes I ask myself, so Bidemi, all this one you are saying now, yen yen yen I have no one to run to, God who are you abandoning me for now, should I now go and commit sin to get what I want when you can do it, I ask myself, are you now blackmailing God? Are you now threatening him or what? But honestly, that’s not the case. Maybe I have found a way of laying it bare, saying it as it is, like giving a situational report of what is happening, not following any conventional method of prayer. Maybe that’s why I usually excuse myself to say my prayers, because any listening ear would find it funny.
I err a lot, I do. I have been tired a lot of times and given up on myself, but in all of this, God’s grace has always been sufficient. Right now I am not in a good place, but I have learnt to walk by faith, and not by sight. Sometimes it’s very hard, it’s very difficult to be steadfast, especially when one is down. I may not know much, but one thing I know is no matter how huge the storm may be, God will never abandon his own.
I don’t know your faith, I don’t know who or what you believe in, but if for whatever reason you acknowledge that there is a supreme being up there who is in charge of things, even in your lowest moment, please reach out to him. It may tarry, but he answers prayers. You don’t need all the strength of this world, you don’t need to be so loud, just your whisper is enough, ask God for help.
As you are reaching out to people and getting professional help for whatever you may be going through, speak to God too, tell him to take control. I don’t know so much, but I am very sure that he never fails. Please don’t pull the plug yet, give life another shot.