WHAT IF I DIE ALONE?

The point is, in life, even if we die alongside a lot of people, you will still be buried alone. Talk less of when you even die alone. You will die alone!

I understood the concept of death at a very young age, losing my roomie in 2008, while I was in the second year in the University. My Uncle was also snatched by the cold hands of death in 2010, when there was religious fracas in Jos, Plateau State. A brother’s friend died while he was still at a polytechnic. A bubbly friend that was very helpful and was close to all of us. These people were so full of life and had huge dreams and aspirations.

I felt terrible, the event and what happened thereafter got me thinking beyond the normal. Thinking hard each passing day.

You hear someone speak to you over the phone about an hour earlier and then the next second, you get the information that they are dead.

Sighs, What a life!

The moment i received the phone call from my late room mate’s dad informing me of his death, he appeared to me in my room in school and waved at me. I was terrified and afraid.

I later had a dream of my roomie years later, where we were together in a room, and he was trying to put on his Arsenal Jersey, while I was finding it difficult to put on mine (I was a Chelsea fan) and we were supposed to see the derby match together. Still battling with my Jersey, there was a force stopping me from putting it on. He suddenly rushed out of the room and screamed from outside how suddenly cold he felt and that outside was cold. I should stay in and not come out.

I woke up with a start, and since then I never felt sad about losing anyone. The dream was the eye opener to the fact that when we all die, we die alone.

I just got out of a relationship with a babe I loved with everything. The relationship was exactly a year when we broke up. Don’t ask me whose fault it was – as I put in a lot of shift to make it work, I pushed myself. To be candid, I still feel bad about the whole ‘ish’ as I still miss the babe so much ( have you read, I think I still miss my ex?). I wanted our togetherness to be out of this world, something that I could deem a near perfect relationship ( ask the babe, she sure knew I tried).

No hassles, no worries, no pretense. You just get to be who you are, have a lot of fun, fight like babies and make up, Have fun love, mind blowing love making, explore every part of you. You believe in your abilities, you are never shy of trusting, Your interests drive you both, there is mutual respect, support and love.

Imagine your boo tells you..

‘Deedee, you got this. I believe in you’ Make Deedeesblog great!

(You get my drift?)

It’s amazing to have dreams and hope. But then the human part of being human waltz in. The vulnerability and naïve part of us comes in. No matter how we try to be perfect, it is usually a long shot and then we enter into the rigmarole of having issues and subsequent heartbreaks and subsequent break ups.

Hmmmn!!

So I said to myself, I am tired of loving, tired of giving my all and it isn’t working out. Tired of the dissatisfaction, heartbreaks, disappointments. If I die alone, I will die alone.

Life is just too short to wallow in abject penury and continual sucking. Whatever is your perspective to life and death,You are sure to know that death happens like ‘poom’ and comes in- snatching all within its part.

Like the Urban dater said in her ‘What If I die alone’ post ‘Life is too short to be spent on half measures, half loves and never wills’ . Yes true.

You could be alone right now and really believe that being alone is the right thing for you ‘forever’. Yea, being alone is a good thing. However I am sure our brains knows the truth. We ain’t wired to be alone. We ain’t created that way! No?

I am not ready to date yet! Not ready to feel the emotional ‘gra gra’ again. My brain tells me I will love again. The sound of ‘he is such a cool guy, he is so witty and funny. He is incredulously romantic. He brings the best in me’ still lives in my head, and I would want to enjoy that feeling again. However, I love the fact that I am alone right now.

What lesson have I learnt from the last relationship?

I had a picture in my brain already, wanting the relationship to happen that way. I wanted the relationship to work out so well because I felt like I wouldn’t want to die alone. The feeling of dieing in the loving arms of your woman is enough to ensure you die surrounded by love. I wanted to make sure it worked, that it was my dream relationship, and that I was going to put her first – did it work? NO!

It failed not because I did not try my best, but because as we grew, we both wanted something more. She was more aligned with what she wanted, I craved my wants. We forgot the fact that we can all want, but our wants will not even culminate into needs, and then we drifted apart.

I am going to die alone, regardless of all the heartbreaks in this world. But God has created an extreme feeling that lives with us even in our graves, and that is love. He is love and sent someone to reciprocate the love gesture, even when we were as bad as a pit latrine that has expired.

I know you may have different views to this which I would love to hear about. But really, my conviction is that when you die feeling loved, you are not alone after all. You die with love. Or does it all stop there?

Love all you can, give it your head and not your heart. Be smart, resourceful, have fun still, go places. DO NOT push yourself too much to focus more on your wants and not the needs that could lead to something satisfying. Even if you die ‘alone’ you die with all the love.

Yours In Love

Deedee

This post was inspired by UrbanDater’s ‘What if I die alone’ post.