Popular Facebook Influencer and Relationship Counselor, Omobolanle Adeyemo (Omoby), who recently celebrated her third year wedding anniversary has taken to her Facebook page to share tips and advice on the lessons learnt in the course of her three-year-old marriage.
While this is her personal experience, the lessons are important as they are what everyone; single or married should learn from.
Read her post below:
Most people write the fairy tales of marriage, but do not point out their work behind their scenes. Because I like to be as realistic as much as possible, I want to point to you some of the work we do behind the scenes to make our marriage work, some of the lessons I have learned and some I had to unlearn.
1. A good marriage takes the effort of two people who are willing to put equal effort in making a good home
I cannot emphasize this enough. Marriage is the combined effort of two people who are willing till the rest of their lives to forsake all others and stay committed to each-other. Forget forget all the talk that a woman builds her house and it does not matter the philandering, non-nonchalant and evil nature of the hubby, if she prays and prays and prays, that home would succeed.
It is a big fat lie!
This is one of the foundations of a good home; ensuring that the person you are committing your life to, has enough sense to know that your partner is coming to work, not one who puts all the burden on you to make the marriage work too.
It’s the fundamental principle that says, ‘I am not just searching for a good man or woman, whose values are in sync with mine but one who also believes in mutual effort, determination and energy’. As much as I’ve a good marriage, it would be naught if my hubby or I aren’t putting in the work to make it an excellent home.
2. Know what works for your home and run with it
There are many stories, principles that abound on how you should run your home. I used to believe in the lie that one principle could work for everyone, but Marriage has shown me this may not always be true.
Financial transparency is good, and would advocate for this, but I came to recognize that many men or women will squandered their spouse’s money if they knew how much they earn.
They are not bad people, they do not just know understand financial discipline, for such however, it would be cruel to advise such person to expose all they earn in the bid to maintain financial transparency in Marriage. As such, the principles your parents lived with may not work for your home if your spouse is different.
Do not compare your principles with another. The woman who shares her money with her hubby may have a man who is financially prudent, trustworthy and honest.
Hence, run your own marital race. The person who should be at the same level with you is the person you are married to, every other person has no business with what works in your home.
3. Recognize your mistakes, accept them and make changes
In marriage you will make mistakes. Please do not be too proud or too big to own them, apologize and make changes. This is essential for the growth of your home. I have made mistakes o…and I am sure my hubby can recall some of his mistakes too, but when we do, neither of us is too big to identify them, apologize and make amends.
One of my mistakes was getting my hubby so angry one day, if he could raise his hand to slap me, I know he would have. I had stretched him too far, I could see him boiling hot. One part of my head was saying have your way, do not be a fool, don’t allow yourself to be taken for granted while the other part of my head, albeit subtly, was saying, you are at fault, Omoby, own your mistakes and apologize.
Fortunately, I am one who always makes amends when I am wrong, I have sense like that, I owned it and that was the end of the fight.
Marriage would tell you that sometimes you are also at fault. It’s not always about the man. I know media, entertainment and movies as made women always be at the receiving end of the stick, being the victim and endearing lots of pity party to ourselves, but really, sometimes, it’s could be your fault too. Do not be too big to own them.
And to the men too, it’s not also always about the woman. Do not let your ego ruin your home. Your penis wouldn’t shrink if you own your mistakes and make amends to correct them.
4. Marriage would expose your flaws, some of which may be difficult to accept or believe about yourself
I knew that I am a born saver, mummy and daddy taught us to save. They would never take this money from us, but it was a family tradition that whatever saved would be used treat ourselves. Thus, I grew up just saving. I can save for Africa, but what I did not know was that I never would share my money with another person. I did not know how selfish I was until I got married.
One day, hubby asked me for 5k and I grumbled and grumbled because I was thinking of how I was going to put this money inside my piggy bank. Then one day he said, ‘each time I ask you for money, you always grumble.
It is not fair. I would not do this to you.’ That brought my senses back. I replayed scenarios he had come through for me; when he bought me a laptop because my 5 year old laptop had crashed, when he bought me a iPhone because I just fancied having one, when he paid money to reschedule my flight for a mistake I committed…when he buys me gifts, sets me free out of a debt…doing this without being touchy, grumpy or cranky, but because he really wants to make me happy, satisfied and content.
He did all of this, taking from his pockets, possibly money he wanted to use for other things, but did them for me regardless. (You may say he is my hubby, I am entitled to his money, oh yeah, but he could also decide not to share it with me, just like when I was being unreasonable too).
I asked God to help me, this was something I was struggling with. Gradually, I was able to share my money, hence birth our principle of financial transparency and sharing.
5. If you have got a good spouse, do not take them for granted
I would have to emphasize this because many people, especially women, think that because they have got good men, they could get away with many things like insulting them, provoking them and just being unnecessarily naughty.
Social media, news and books tells men not to hit their wives regardless of the provocation, but we forget to tell women not to provoke their men to anger as well. May I warn you here, If you have got a good man or woman, who has your best interest at heart, one who would go miles for you, one who would do everything to make you happy, do not let your village people use you and begin to take your partner for granted.
I may joke with you with many things. You can call me slim and thin for all I care, you may chook your mouth in my business and I may forgive you, but the moment you disrespect my husband and I hear of it, I would find you, fight you and break your mouth. I do not joke with my husband!
I recognize his effort. I see all the sacrifices he is making to make our marriage work and give me the best. I recognize them, I know them and I value and cherish them.
6. Good marriages are filled with healthy compromises
No, I’m not talking about being married where you lose your peace, your voice and all the things that excite you. I’m talking about healthy compromises where you both have to compromise for the best interest of eachother.
And here is why I tell singles to enjoy their status because being single makes it easy to make decisions for yourself and by yourself, a state where you’re not accountable to anyone but yourself.
My hubby always says to me that Omoby in all you do on Facebook, remember you represent me as well and he’ll also say that he wouldn’t do anything that would bring shame to me. If I were single, I wouldn’t bother about any other person. I would not be accountable to anyone. I could do anything I wanted, and nobody be held accountable for my wrong doings except myself.
For instance, left to my hubby alone, he may not leave Nigeria, maybe not yet, na me he jam wey make am commot Nigeria. 😜🤣
That part of wanting to stay in Nigeria and relocate is part of the freedom he lost.
There are also some decisions you may not be able to make alone.
Another example was when he got a job in another location and we had to relocate elsewhere. He told me that if I didn’t approve the move, he was not taking the offer.
Recently, my hubby wanted to make a financial commitment somewhere and I didn’t agree to it. He did not do it because I said “no o, this doesn’t make sense in my head”.
If you are not ready to make compromises, do not get married or opt for an open marriage.
7. You’re married not just enjoy the goodies of eachother but also bear each other’s burden
7. You’re married not just enjoy the goodies of eachother but also bear each other’s burden.
Bearing each other’s burden means you’ll be available as a cushion to support and help eachother. I’ve helped my hubby pay off a huge debt he had. And several times, he’s come through for me.
One was when I almost got into trouble on Facebook for calling out a wrong company for stealing my money. It was true my money was stolen but I had not done my investigation well and called out a wrong company. The company was ready to fight me legally. I cried to my hubby who came into the situation and helped me resolve everything. I don’t know what I’d have done without him o. That’s how I’d have entered into serious trouble.
Another was where I had gotten into trouble for calling out a stupid woman who was the first to call me out but didn’t mention my name. She wanted to also fight me legally. My hubby came through for me again and helped me resolve the whole kassala.
Therefore if you think marriage is all bliss and glamour, where they’d be days you’ll never have to be upset with eachother, where you’ll only be there to enjoy all the goodies, please think again or just stay single.