You both have realised you love each other and are ready to get married. And now, you are seriously worried about basic counselling questions to ask your partner before marriage. You are not alone. Get in here to know what you need to talk about before you get married to him or her.
Getting married is a huge step and one that can’t be taken lightly. It is a big step in a relationship that signifies the commitment and love you have for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, as they say, love isn’t enough.
There are crucial questions to deal with before marriage that goes beyond love. For example, beliefs, children, finance, extended family, dealing with conflicts, and a host of others. Failure to leave no stone unturned before marriage is likely to affect the growth of the family in the long run and even make you want a divorce.
It is for this reason that I will take you through premarital counselling questions that you should (must) ask your fiance or fiancee prior to tying the knot. I will not deceive you, some of them aren’t fun to talk about, but they are definitely crucial to know.
Falling in love is fun, Going through the preliminary stages of commitment and communication can make you feel joyfully elated and seemingly unstoppable. But, not until reality starts to settle in.
You don’t want your marriage to crash as a result of your ignorance to certain issues that you’ve failed to address before you got married to him or her – just like the way it happens in the Nollywood movies you watch. These are examples of cases to be addressed before ordering your bridal gown from a fashion designer on the island.
To get off to a good start with someone, it is very important to make sure you are on the same page. Mind you, asking basic counselling questions from your fiance doesn’t necessarily have to be interrogative. You just want to know, in-depth, the person you have decided to spend the rest of your life with.
Here in this country, I’ve seen a lot of individuals in unhappy marriages. In some cases, the early warning of potential friction was there all along, in the form of personality conflicts or day-by-day incompatibility. And so, if you are thinking of committing, or even just living together as partners, it may be very helpful to ponder some of the issues that can frequently diverse wedge in long term relationships.
“In your relationship, never assume your partner wants exactly the same thing you do”
The success or failure of your marital relationship may hinge on HOW WELL you deal with issues such as finance, conflicts, parenting, communication, in-laws, the family of origin, spirituality, leisure time, expectation and sexuality.
Even though you may be very busy with wedding preparation, renting the hall at Eko Hotel & Suites, hiring a top-notch caterer and having your ceremony aired, it is crucial that you make time to prepare for your life together by exploring your relationship in more depth.
Speaking of exploring your relationship in more depth…
Here are some basic counselling questions to ask your fiance or fiancee to make sure you’re on the same page and ready to espouse
1. Will you have children and if so how many?
One partner may want many children, while the other may only want one or two children in their lives. This type of incompatibility can drive a wedge between the two of you, so making your expectations clear to each other before making a commitment ensures that no one goes into the marriage shocked by the other’s disinterest for children.
It may also be possible that neither of you is really sure at this point in your lives if a family is right for you, but at least you’ll get to know one another’s general philosophy on the issue by discussing it beforehand.
One of the hugest issues that many couples face is a difference in desires for a family. Sometimes one partner will want children, the other will not. So get this ironed out by asking questions.
2. Sexual Compatibility is key
It can be so helpful to talk about how often each partner would like to have sexual contact, what their understanding of fidelity is, and other ways of staying intimately connected when having a sexual experience just aren’t in the cards
This is one of the first things you should talk about with a partner, and check in about throughout the relationship.
Many couples in long-term relationships never talk about their sexual agreement until they hit troubled waters or start nursing cheating husbands.
So before you start to feel this issue coming up, bring it up. It’s gonna be helpful
3. What does Marriage Commitment mean to you?
What attracted you to your partner initially and what do you believe your partner will help you become?. Let your partner describe what commitment means to him or her as you both make plans to walk down the aisle?.
Don’t wait for it to get to the point where you will need a private investigator to know who is committed in the Marriage and who is not
Have you wondered, of all of the persons in your life that you have met and could have married, why are you choosing your partner?
4. What Are Your Views on Household Finance Management?
Knowing the answers to this question do not only allow you to get a clearer picture of your intended spouse’s financial health, but they can also be important premarriage counselling questions when your comingled finances will be necessary to buy a home or make some other large purchase.
With the way the economy is affecting individuals here in Nigeria, getting money issues ironed out before you get married can be a smart move. Not only knowing how much your would-be spouse makes but also be able to determine how the two of you will handle your finances once you’re a married couple. Will you have joint bank accounts or keep your finances separate? How much money does your fianceée owe? Is credit an issue?
5. We Argue The Most about “this”, How Can We Find a Solution To That Problem?
Like I always say to quarrel couples, the problem isn’t the problem; the problem is the solution. Figuring out why a specific problem is a trigger point for either one of you or both and figuring out how to get rid of it, will save you time, stress, and anxiety in your relationship.
Asking this question can help give you a little peek into the future of your relationship, beyond just the future of your conflicts.
As a matter of fact, It can be really scary to argue and talking about arguing can feel even more daunting. But it is a question that will make both of you realize that you do argue and that you do have an issue that needs immediate resolution
6. What about Parents and In-laws?
True this one. Here comes the main cause of break-ups in most Nigerian Marriages of today.
Don’t get me wrong, but you will need to know beforehand whether it is OK for either of you to talk with parents about the problems of the relationship. Agree on how much time each of you will need to spend with your parents and how much do you expect your partner to join you.
Let it be known to the two of you the kind of support you expect from your partner when the parents are putting pressure on you. Ask on how you plan to spend the holidays, What will be the holiday expectations of each of your parents and how will you deal with those expectations.
Lastly in this regard, iron out the kind of relationship you expect your kids to have with your parents?, And your partner’s anticipation on if he|she will ever want a parent to live with the two of you when you grow old?
7. How should We Divide the Household Chores?
Although household chore distribution may seem to be a trivial matter at first glance, it can and does become a source of frustration in many Nigerian homes.
While you envision equitable distribution of the household chores or you think one spouse or the other should take on certain tasks, discussing your feelings prior to your wedding will allow you to avoid surprises later on when your spouse expects you to do the bulk of the housework, or the other way round.
Who should do the food shopping in your new marriage?, Who should cook? Who should clean?…
8. What Are Your Financial Goals?
Truth be told, finances are a huge stress factor in relationships. So it’s important to discuss this issue openly and sincerely.
It is one thing to say I want to buy a car one day, and it is another to actually plan out how you would accomplish that goal. Discussing this can help relieve any current or future financial stress.
Even if it feels uncomfortable it is important to discuss finances, they are the number reason for stress and divorce in a marriage
So, however too seriously is looks about talking of cash, it’s a good way to check whether you’re headed in the right path of your life.
9. Where Do You See Us as a couple In One Year, Or Five?
This is a fundamental question that allows you and your partner to explore the direction of your relationship if you are both aligned on the future, and if they are serious and see you in their future five years out.
This question is certainly for couples who are already committed. But commitment can mean a lot of things, and this question can help guide you to how your partner feels about the idea.
10. Talk to me about your Spiritual Life
You will agree with me that we mainly have two recognized religion practised in Nigeria.
However, be you both Muslims or Christian couples, it is important that you clear the grounds in respect to spiritual matters.
If your fiancee is a ‘church type’ (of course, you know what I mean) let it be known to the both of you whether you are comfortable with her constant absence of going to church programmes or not.
What kind of participation do you expect in each other in some form of spiritual community?
Will the kids be expected to attend any regular services or religious education?
Will you allow the kids to go through certain rituals such as baptism, christening, first communion, confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah?
You should understand what spirituality means to each of you before tying the knot.
11. What Would You Like To Do More Of, In Our Relationship?
Asking this question can be fun, too, especially if they say “more dates,” or “more sex,” and you’ve been thinking the same thing.
In other words, asking your partner what they think works and what they would like to see more of in the relationship puts the attention back on what’s working and making sure that you do more of that.
Just like I’ve mentioned in the quote above, it is not an ideal thing to assume your partner wants exactly the same thing you do. Whether you feel that everything is going right, or there’s something you want to fix. This question helps you to figure them out.
12. Do you agree on issues around erotic moments together?
Do you agree to talk about your sexual concerns at a time when you both are feeling creative and relaxed and not during sex?
If you can you work out an agreement about how to deal with differences in the frequency of sexual desire, that is a smart move, as well.
Perhaps, Are there certain things that are clearly off-limits in your relationship?
How often does your partner want to enjoy an intimate evening with you?
Wrapping up on our basic counselling questions to ask fiance or fiancee
By getting issues like these out in the open from the foundation and asking the right premarital counselling questions, you can start your marriage off on a solid footing of honesty and openness that is conducive to good communication
Communication, along with a willingness to grow closer together, even when the topic is difficult, is one of the keys to a successful marriage, We hope that you’ve gotten some counselling questions to ask your fiance or fiancee.
If you still want some personal advice and tips on how to go about premarital counselling, relationship or any form of counselling at all, or you even need to know more about basic counselling questions, don’t hesitate to hit the comment box or contact us on our available email address.